BLOOD & BONES

my life my struggle

vomiting up some of what i eat here and there, even when i don’t binge. i still binge from time to time, but not every day.

still unhappy as fuck, but my boyfriend has helped tremendously in my life. 

i don’t know when i’ll be my complete self again- if i ever will. i want to so badly. and break free from the eating disorder identity. just for my family and friends (boyfriend included) and so i can live my life the way i want to. 

i’m so sick of being sad all the time and letting food control me.

i want it all gone.

I have never, ever told my dad that I love him. I don’t even know if I do. I don’t think I do. And I’ve only ever hugged him once in my life. So there’s that.

I was thinking of getting a hamster because it’s the most i can afford right now money-wise and time-wise.

Just something I’m thinking about because I adore animals and want to take care of one again.

my boyfriend watches what he eats, and i think that is the awesomest thing. and attractive. i wasn’t aware that he even did so until he told me. he makes sure he doesn’t eat too much, or too much of one thing. he only eats when he’s hungry really. i just really love that about him.

It’s always nice having your boyfriend’s stinging words echoing through your head non-stop.
“If you’re going to continue like this then I can’t do this.”
“Your life is fucked up!”
“Fuck you!”

And I can’t do anything or say anything back. All I can do is get in the car and leave.
It all happened so fast, it’s almost a blur.

not responding to texts or messages, or anything when i complain all the time that i have no friends.

honestly, most of them are guys who just want to get in my pants so i guess that changes things. 

but that brings up something else: why do they all want that from me? it’s not like i’m offering.

my boyfriend and i were sitting on the bed together (him playing his games and myself looking at triggering images) and he randomly put two fingers on my chin gently and turned my face towards him. then he gave me the gentlest, softest kiss ever and i just felt this incredible feeling as we kissed. then i pulled back and looked at him and said, “hi,” with a smile. and he smiled and said, “hi,” back in a way where i could hear the love in his voice.

these are the moments i live for.

i wonder if he felt the same…

only two i can think of that aren’t even good enough: 

1) I weighed myself this morning and I am 109 lbs.

2) I’m home alone on a Friday fucking night.

I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn’t use symptoms on Valentine’s Day. Well here it is 1:30 and i’ve already had my fingers down my throat. He’s taking me out tonight and I will do better than what I just did.

i got down to 78 fucking pounds then fucking stupidly decided to go into fucking rehab when i knew it wasn’t going to do shit, and now i’m stuck being a fat fucking pig.

i just should have let it continue its damage. until there was nothing left but bones.

my boyfriend and i just had the craziest fucking sex that i must say something about it. i don’t think i’ve ever moaned that much nor that loud, or screamed that much nor that loud.

and what’s funny (not really), is that right before he came onto me, i was feeling all mopey about eating too much. holy fuck, did he make me forget about that.

I went from 423 facebook friends to 254 facebook friends. it feels good(: and i feel a little more free, weirdly. i kept everyone i give two shits about.

i was talking with my boyfriend’s parents (they know of my eating disorder behavior) and his dad said, “you’re supposed to be eating five small meals a day.” and my boyfriend’s mom said, “we’ll get you there.”

i can’t get it out of my mind, her saying that. it just makes me feel like they really care. and it gives me hope.

i feel like i can never eat five small meals a day, that’s just way too much. but i will stop this bingeing behavior.