BLOOD & BONES

if i don’t stop thinking about him, i am going to go insane.

i’m so confused. everything is confusing. i’m in love with a liar. someone who is living two lives. his girlfriend is one, and i’m the other. it’s very difficult accepting the fact that i can’t be with him again (we were together for a year and seven months, then he dumped me for her). not while she’s in his life. 

he’s also my best friend. he understands, he’s there when i need him. no one has ever stayed with me (in my life) as long as he has. i can trust him with anything. but it’s very difficult to believe everything he says. he lies to everyone constantly, even people he claims he loves. like me. i trust him, but i don’t. in some ways i trust him, in some ways i don’t. 

right now, i feel like he’s different. like i don’t know him. it’s very upsetting. 

he has a lot of friends/people he hangs out with. why does he talk to me? i asked him and he gave an answer that i don’t believe. 

i hate that he’s lying to his girlfriend! i hate it! he’s cheating on her. cheating. how the hell can he not feel bad or guilty for that? and he’s been cheating on her ever since they got together a year ago. it used to be me that he was cheating with. it would be a two way thing. now it’s just a one way thing, he’d ask for sex or he’d be flirting, you know, and now i just say no all the time. i don’t give into his charm. 

i feel bad that he’s cheating but i also think his dumbass girlfriend is stupid for ignoring the fact. oh yeah, she knows. she just puts up with it. i can seriously rant about her forever so i won’t now. but why doesn’t he feel guilty about cheating? i’ve brought it up to him and he just blows it off or makes excuses. 

i guess i’m feeling guilty. 

i don’t want him out of my life. but i don’t know how to deal with him being in it either.