BLOOD & BONES

my life my struggle

vomiting up some of what i eat here and there, even when i don’t binge. i still binge from time to time, but not every day.

still unhappy as fuck, but my boyfriend has helped tremendously in my life. 

i don’t know when i’ll be my complete self again- if i ever will. i want to so badly. and break free from the eating disorder identity. just for my family and friends (boyfriend included) and so i can live my life the way i want to. 

i’m so sick of being sad all the time and letting food control me.

i want it all gone.

And I don’t give a fuck, I’m letting it.

I’m barely eating- able to restrain from it thankfully. No idea how, I probably just get a high off of being empty because every time I think of something being in my stomach, I just turn away from food. I feel light (not really weight-wise) as a feather when I’m hungry and empty, like I can just fly away.

And when I do eat anything, I end up purging it. Once the thought of the possibility of vomiting anything up comes into my mind, I cannot ignore it until it is done.

I want that flat stomach back, those thin thighs, those bony wrists.

What else is new?

I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn’t use symptoms on Valentine’s Day. Well here it is 1:30 and i’ve already had my fingers down my throat. He’s taking me out tonight and I will do better than what I just did.

i don’t know why i am the way i am when i shouldn’t fucking be. i have no right to be like this, i shouldn’t be like this. 

i don’t care why or how i am like this. i just need to get better. i don’t want to live (like this).

i’ve found, that my promises mean more/i stick to them more when i promise them to myself, rather than to my boyfriend or a family member. 

i don’t know why that is.

but today is my second day ever promising myself that i will not use symptoms, and i won’t.

i’ll keep telling myself that food is nourishment and my body needs it. and that it’s normal to eat. because all of that is true. i need to keep repeating it to myself and some day, i’ll believe it without having to force myself or even think about it.

i was talking with my boyfriend’s parents (they know of my eating disorder behavior) and his dad said, “you’re supposed to be eating five small meals a day.” and my boyfriend’s mom said, “we’ll get you there.”

i can’t get it out of my mind, her saying that. it just makes me feel like they really care. and it gives me hope.

i feel like i can never eat five small meals a day, that’s just way too much. but i will stop this bingeing behavior. 

tell me i’m all right.

i don’t know if i am.

i ate two slices of banana bread last night, a few pieces of frozen cookie dough (i work at an ice cream parlor), and a Monster energy drink (the zero sugar, zero calorie one).

my stomach feels full (or is that just in my head…?) and it’s hard for me to stand it.

please tell me that i don’t have to feel guilty about putting those things into my body.

ended a binge by purging last night at about 7 pm. didn’t eat anything until an hour ago, which was an ice cream sandwich, 4 packets of entenmann’s brownie bites, and a vanilla caramel sundae. purged. 

i feel like shit, obviously, and i’m trying not to beat myself up too much over that binge. that binge shouldn’t have happened, though, and that’s what’s killing me.

whenever my boyfriend (or anyone, for that matter) eats, I always stare in awe. wishing i could eat guilt-free. wishing i could eat normally and not want to die afterwards. and wondering, “How do they do that?”