BLOOD & BONES

my life my struggle

vomiting up some of what i eat here and there, even when i don’t binge. i still binge from time to time, but not every day.

still unhappy as fuck, but my boyfriend has helped tremendously in my life. 

i don’t know when i’ll be my complete self again- if i ever will. i want to so badly. and break free from the eating disorder identity. just for my family and friends (boyfriend included) and so i can live my life the way i want to. 

i’m so sick of being sad all the time and letting food control me.

i want it all gone.

And I don’t give a fuck, I’m letting it.

I’m barely eating- able to restrain from it thankfully. No idea how, I probably just get a high off of being empty because every time I think of something being in my stomach, I just turn away from food. I feel light (not really weight-wise) as a feather when I’m hungry and empty, like I can just fly away.

And when I do eat anything, I end up purging it. Once the thought of the possibility of vomiting anything up comes into my mind, I cannot ignore it until it is done.

I want that flat stomach back, those thin thighs, those bony wrists.

I didn’t even hesitate. Only in my mind. If I have the option to purge everything, I always take it. Always. I don’t fight it, I don’t debate it. I know that when I want to get better, I’ll start fighting it. But for now it’s all I have.

I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn’t use symptoms on Valentine’s Day. Well here it is 1:30 and i’ve already had my fingers down my throat. He’s taking me out tonight and I will do better than what I just did.

i’ve found, that my promises mean more/i stick to them more when i promise them to myself, rather than to my boyfriend or a family member. 

i don’t know why that is.

but today is my second day ever promising myself that i will not use symptoms, and i won’t.

i’ll keep telling myself that food is nourishment and my body needs it. and that it’s normal to eat. because all of that is true. i need to keep repeating it to myself and some day, i’ll believe it without having to force myself or even think about it.

i was talking with my boyfriend’s parents (they know of my eating disorder behavior) and his dad said, “you’re supposed to be eating five small meals a day.” and my boyfriend’s mom said, “we’ll get you there.”

i can’t get it out of my mind, her saying that. it just makes me feel like they really care. and it gives me hope.

i feel like i can never eat five small meals a day, that’s just way too much. but i will stop this bingeing behavior. 

feeling the absolute worst feeling in the world right now. going to purge until i feel like my guts themselves are going to come up.

can’t wait until it’s over (for a day or two) and look back at this post, remembering how i feel now.

my dash is always filled with useless shit.

my fingers didn’t go down my throat tonight. now i just have to work on not eating.

Every time I think about my eating disorder and how I’ll struggle and battle with it for the rest of my life, I just want to die.