BLOOD & BONES

my life my struggle

vomiting up some of what i eat here and there, even when i don’t binge. i still binge from time to time, but not every day.

still unhappy as fuck, but my boyfriend has helped tremendously in my life. 

i don’t know when i’ll be my complete self again- if i ever will. i want to so badly. and break free from the eating disorder identity. just for my family and friends (boyfriend included) and so i can live my life the way i want to. 

i’m so sick of being sad all the time and letting food control me.

i want it all gone.

i was talking with my boyfriend’s parents (they know of my eating disorder behavior) and his dad said, “you’re supposed to be eating five small meals a day.” and my boyfriend’s mom said, “we’ll get you there.”

i can’t get it out of my mind, her saying that. it just makes me feel like they really care. and it gives me hope.

i feel like i can never eat five small meals a day, that’s just way too much. but i will stop this bingeing behavior. 

ended a binge by purging last night at about 7 pm. didn’t eat anything until an hour ago, which was an ice cream sandwich, 4 packets of entenmann’s brownie bites, and a vanilla caramel sundae. purged. 

i feel like shit, obviously, and i’m trying not to beat myself up too much over that binge. that binge shouldn’t have happened, though, and that’s what’s killing me.

feeling the absolute worst feeling in the world right now. going to purge until i feel like my guts themselves are going to come up.

can’t wait until it’s over (for a day or two) and look back at this post, remembering how i feel now.

my dash is always filled with useless shit.

Every time I think about my eating disorder and how I’ll struggle and battle with it for the rest of my life, I just want to die.

time to purge. with a headache. fuck my damn eating disorder.

i’m bingeing. what else is fucking new?

they say you have to want to get better to actually get better. and i do want it. i really do. so why can’t i get better?

they say that when we binge, we’re stuffing down things we can’t say. what am i not saying that needs to be said? 

i’m out of my fucked up house. i’m starting my life. 

why do i still have this bingeing and purging problem?

i’ve been through treatment, a couple different kinds. currently receiving no professional help from anywhere… i wish i could change that. but i don’t have the money. 

people say that i should turn to God. i don’t know how i would. i don’t know how i would give my life to Him, and let Him take control. i don’t know how. should i go to church regularly…?

i have no steady, strict support system. 

I need self-control. 

that i didn’t binge and purge today(:

a girl from Renfrew said that as part of her “words of wisdom” before she left and it has stuck with me ever since.

going to purge for the second time today. FUCK MY DAMN CHOICES.