BLOOD & BONES

I didn’t even hesitate. Only in my mind. If I have the option to purge everything, I always take it. Always. I don’t fight it, I don’t debate it. I know that when I want to get better, I’ll start fighting it. But for now it’s all I have.

ended a binge by purging last night at about 7 pm. didn’t eat anything until an hour ago, which was an ice cream sandwich, 4 packets of entenmann’s brownie bites, and a vanilla caramel sundae. purged. 

i feel like shit, obviously, and i’m trying not to beat myself up too much over that binge. that binge shouldn’t have happened, though, and that’s what’s killing me.

fighting this is so motherfuckin hard! and i already feel like complete shit because of my late-night binge last night. i never thought i’d get suicidal over something like this. i seriously just want to cry until i shrivel up and die. this is so hard. i’m so afraid i’m going to blow up like a balloon. it’s definitely possible. i just feel like i’ll never be thin enough. i know that i’ll never be thin enough. i don’t want to fight this forever. i fucking can’t. it never fucking ends. never. it’s a damn cycle that keeps repeating and repeating.