WARNING: this blog is very triggering.
This shit is my life.
I am a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosed 18 year-old bulimic girl who is surviving in New York. I have a bingeing and purging (eating) disorder that I want to completely recover from. IT IS HELL.
Attempting to recover from self-harming.
height: 5'1"
Ultimate goal weight: 75 lbs.
feel free to message me.
Anonymous asked: You mentioned that you were sexually abused when you were younger. How come you still feel aroused or even desire your boyfriend? Doesn't that horrible experience numb all of your sexual needs? And why does he even become 'violent'? (Sorry, if that's too private.) x
Yes, I was sexually abused by my oldest brother and my dad for quite a few years. It started when I was about 8, I believe.
“How come you still feel aroused or even desire your boyfriend?”
i love sex. i’ve loved it all my life. i remember pleasuring myself when i was a little girl. i blame my dad’s sex addiction that he’s had his entire life. i love how it feels, i love performing, i love making the other person feel good (more than myself). i guess i can be considered promiscuous. some days, i’d go from fucking one guy, to fucking one or two more the very same day.
when i was abused by my brother, i was willingly doing it. why? because he’d give me things in return. items, money, whatever. the point is, i was doing it willingly. i hate myself for that. i was also doing it behind everyone’s back.
that “horrible experience” just makes me really hate my dad and brother. it contributes to all of the hate i have for them, and i hate them for many reasons. one of the main reasons is that they hurt my mother more than anything. they’ve made her so unhappy, i just hate them for it.
the thing about my boyfriend getting violent, he doesn’t get violent towards me. when he gets mad, which is quite often, he throws things and punches things and breaks things.
a little secret, i always wish he’d hit me. it confuses the hell out of me about why i’d want that. maybe because my dad gets violent towards my mother and i want to feel what she feels. maybe i think i deserve to feels what she feels. because i am, without a doubt, a horrible human being. a horrible person.
thanks for your question. i really love getting these because they help me with insights on myself.
